Drop many of the parenting expectations you have for your kids.

We’ve all heard the phrase” chill out”. According to Webster, it means, to calm down, go easy or relax. If only we could live our lives this way. I’ve been thinking a lot about what obstacles stand in the way of our relaxing.

I’ve been married for 24 years and have three kids in college which means I’ve seen it all. What bothers me most is how often I get frustrated or mad at my wife (and she at me) or kids over the years.

I think I’ve figured it out. It’s all about when our family members do or don’t do what we expect from them, for example:

young kids to sit still and be quiet in church
take off your shoes in the house
clean your room
study harder
get off your phone
don’t be late
put away your dishes
follow my instructions
Teenagers do so many head scratching things……
etc.

Next time you get mad or frustrated with a family member, ask yourself if it’s because they didn’t live up to your expectation. What if you “chilled out”, dropped or relaxed your expectations and just accepted what they did or didn’t do and moved on?

Parents constantly judge their kids decisions and choices. In their eyes, their kids make head scratching or down right frustrating decisions every day. As a parent, I sometimes allow my kids to drive me nuts when they don’t do what I want them to do. Why don’t they…. or, Why do they……

Perhaps their bad choices will cause them to fail at something. Did you ever think that may be the best thing for them? The opportunity to learn from one’s mistakes is critical to personal growth so get out of the way and let your kids fail. It’s in their best interest! As I write this, I wish I would always do just what I am writing, but I have failed to do so many times.

Ever thought your child should practice their sport(s) more often rather than watch Netflix or play on their cell phone? Imagine all the things they could do that would be more productive than watching TV or staring at their cell phone…. The more you hover over your kids and watch what they do, the more frustrated you are likely to be. Does a shouting match ensue or do you just take away their phone or send them to their room? Nobody is happy or satisfied at this point.

How many parents think their child should try harder in school, study more at home, or get extra help from teachers in order to get the best grade they can get?

If only our kids would fully apply themselves and do what we tell them to do!!

Yet when we hear that a friend or neighbor’s child isn’t doing this or that, or just got in trouble for doing something, our typical thought is more likely to be “kids will be kids” or “no worries, they’ll be just fine”. This reaction makes sense as we are not emotionally invested in another child’s behavior or choices and much more accepting of them. This is because we are not so hung up on them being exactly the way we want them to be (acceptance rather than expectations). Out of intense love for our kids we go overboard to make sure they don’t make mistakes that could hurt them. Isn’t that being a good parent? Maybe not…

The same thing happens with your spouse. Ever get mad at your spouse for what they did or didn’t do? Your spouse may value things differently and want things always done their way and that can lead to difficult times. Spouses argue all the time over silly differences of opinion. We become justified in our conviction that our way is the right way and blaming and criticizing become acceptable reactions.

I believe this is all due to our stubborn “EXPECTATIONS”. What we expect our kids (or spouse) to do is what this is all about.

“The more you are fixated on loved ones meeting YOUR expectations, the more you are setting yourself up for a frustrating life and marital fights.”

Depending on how you show your frustration for not meeting your expectations, you could alienate your spouse and “annoy” your kids, especially if they are teenagers. This can lead to a tension filled household with parents constantly disappointed in their kids and kids always annoyed with their parents.

What can be done to avoid this? The answer is “ACCEPTANCE”. Just “chill out.”

Accept our kids and spouses for who they are and what they do or don’t do and let them live and learn from their decisions and behavior. They will turn out OK. Your plan for your kids is not their plan (or God’s plan) and you cannot force all your expectations on to them after they are born.

“Letting go of expectations means accepting people and situations as they are. From this place, we can begin to appreciate others for being truly who they are“.

Maybe it would help if you could fast forward and see them when they are much older so you knew they turned out to be good people. I heard a story about how an avid basketball fan recorded his favorite team’s Game 7 playoff game because he couldn’t watch it live. Before he could watch the recording, someone blurted out the final score. He found out his team won, but he still watched the recording. Early in the game, his team played awful and found themselves down by 15 points. Funny thing, since he knew the final score, he wasn’t the least bit worried and knew his team would overcome their early game struggle and be fine in the end. Your kids will be fine too. They are creating their very personal back story, filled with mistakes and bumps in the road they will overcome.

If we could just relax and accept that our kids will turn out just fine and believe that whatever is stressing us out will pass, we would greatly reduce the frustrations that many of us are dealing with everyday.