Thriving After 25 Years of Marriage

What are some of the issues with marriage and the ways to survive and thrive for so many years?

My wife, Soni, and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.   Like most couples, we had plenty of ups and downs. At times, betting the “under 25 years” seemed like a good bet.

I definitely don’t have all the best marriage answers and I hope you will take the time to use the “reply” section at the end of this post to share your best tips.

Soni and I jumped right in and were married just over two years after we met. I told my buddies that were with me that night I would marry her after losing the only game of pool I played with her at a restaurant/bar in Fontana, WI. I was right.

One year later we moved from Lincoln Park, bought a home in Glen Ellyn and the Good Lord blessed us with three babies in 3 years. We kind of thought that our clock was ticking and got after it. We didn’t know what we were in for and the challenges that would create.

As with most marriages if you have children you are going to have plenty of issues when it comes to raising them. In our marriage, deciding how to discipline our kids was the single biggest issue we fight about. It can really form a wedge between a couple because both sides are generally very passionate about doing what they think is best. One spouse is often the “tough guy” and the other more laid back (me). The intense love for your children and doing what is best for them can really interfere with a marriage. The toughest part about this is it blindsides you as you never considered this part of your marriage pre-kids or pre-marriage.

When you don’t see eye to eye with your spouse (or anyone for that matter) it may be beneficial to look through their paradigm. How were they parented? The main playbook for reference is how you were raised. Some parents choose to raise their kids the same as they were raised while others will look to do the opposite of what they saw as children.  What did you take from your parents (use reply area)?

Our challenges with having three kids that quickly include:

• We only had a couple of years of being married and living fancy and free (no kids to parent).

• I had just launched my new financial planning firm, Fortune Financial Group.

• Having our third child when our oldest just turned 3, meant a TON of work for the next 6 years.

• Running around like crazy going to kid-related events for many years made it difficult to spend time with just each other.

• Three kids in college at the same time. Thank goodness we saved in advance.

As a married couple with kids, I think the single biggest issue is being a spouse first when your children are completely dependent on you. By this, I mean to carve out specific time to be with your spouse without the kids nearby. Ideally, you would talk about anything other than your kids during that time. I wish I had done a better job putting Soni and our alone time first.

It’s not easy for women as they wear a lot of hats. My wife had to juggle being a mother, a homemaker, a hairstylist and a wife simultaneously!  I don’t know how she did it and wish I had been more understanding of what she was going through.

One of the best things about our marriage is lately we are finding more time to connect away from the kids when we can. I strongly suggest this be a priority in every marriage, otherwise, you may not make it to the empty nesting phase when this is much easier.

These empty-nester days while our children are independent (college age) we seem to be finding more time for each other and things have never been better. Taking walks with or without our dog, Reggie is a terrific way to connect. We’ve also gone on several nice brief getaway trips. I wish we had done both more often when the kids were younger.

Date nights and weekend getaways are ideal for every marriage. For us, I think our kids got in the way of those quite a bit. In hindsight, we should have done gone on many more date nights.

One reason we didn’t was that we are both soooo frugal and didn’t want to pay a babysitter. BIG Mistake.

Speaking of frugality, being on the same page as it relates to spending money is a critical part of a successful marriage. In the book, The Millionaire Next Door, it states a key to financial success is to “marry someone more frugal than you.” Funny, the only marital advice my father gave me was “Son, it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl as it is a poor one, so go for the one with money.”

Well, I sort of did. Soni had been a successful hairstylist for quite a few years before I met her and she had more money than I did at the time we met. “Rich”? I don’t think I would go that far.

How Budgeting Strengthens My Marriage!

The good news was that she was/is frugal like me. We are both very happy with basic things in life and liked to spend on money on vacations, otherwise, save as much as possible. Another mistake I made was being too frugal to more gladly hiring a cleaning person consistently for our home. My wife is a great homemaker and takes a lot of pride in keeping our home very clean which was a nearly impossible feat with three kids and me messing things up.

The frugal side of both of us didn’t always usually make that a priority or wouldn’t pay for help. Soni took that burden on almost exclusively most of the time and coming home to a messy home was never a good thing for anybody.    What I later (too late) figured out was just how important it was/is to keep our home very clean. After 25 years, I’m finally anting up for a weekly cleaning lady and Soni seems much more content about our home.

“Happy wife, happy life.” I was a dope for not making that a mainstay a long time ago.

You can be too frugal

How does one end up so frugal? Again, look at how we were raised. Soni is a first-generation Mexican American with 7 siblings that lost her father when she was in grade school. Her mother worked hard in the cafeteria at Central Dupage Hospital to pay the bills. I grew up in a middle-class suburban neighborhood (Arlington Heights) with a mother that ran a tight ship. I can remember her mother (my grandmother) telling me she gave my grandfather $2 a week to play poker with and that’s it. She had an envelope with money in it to pay her phone bill and another one for her gas bill. My mother didn’t fall from that thrifty tree and always had a grocery list that she stuck to.

Spending habits are a BIG deal when it comes to a happy marriage. The consequences of poor habits can be stressful later in life or in the moment if spouses can’t find agreement on how to prioritize.

Thankfully, I have helped many couples work through this issue as part of the financial planning help I provide.

There’s much more to having a happy marriage and making it to 25 years and beyond.

Please share your best advice below. 

How I Aligned my Money With my Life Goals

How to Avoid Marital Money Problems